In our busy, fast paced lives most parents want their children to be great listeners, friends, students, and athletes, but the only thing that seems to be “great” are all of the demands life has to offer! It’s difficult to make sure that every need is met with every passing day. Those may include getting your child organized, making sure he/she is emotionally/physically healthy all the while not being bullied and showing kindness and respect to others including you as the parent. I can give you a “How to List of Interventions.” The list can include “simple solutions” of how to make sure all these demands are met on a daily basis. However, it has been my experience that even with the most highly developed interventions and plans if parents and children try to communicate without self-awareness or without a splash of Emotional Intelligence, they are not communicating at all or at the very least not communicating effectively. With a breakdown in communication, it is difficult to meet your needs as a parent and your children’s needs at home or at school.
So, the question is how do you build effective communication skills that are built on mutual respect? Broadly speaking, the answer is that children have to be taught self-awareness and the parents need to know how they are delivering a message and how it is being received by the child. As parents, it’s easy to assume children understand our intentions but this is not always true. Self-awareness does not always come from within, it is a skill that needs to be developed. Rather than rushing and demanding take a moment to make sure your child understands what you are trying to tell him/her. This brief inquiry will help build a relationship built on mutual respect.
When inquiries are made rather than placing demands, your child will feel as though you respect him/her. Respect will go along way. Children want to be heard, understood and validated. If the parent takes a moment to stop, look and listen it will convey the meaning of respect and trust. It will also set the foundation to “agree to disagree.” With the motto, “I listen, you listen” there will be a lot less yelling and ultimatums being made. For example, my son would leave piles of clothes on the bathroom floor rather than putting them in the hamper. The last straw was when I saw him push the pile of clothes with his foot out of the way of the bathroom door so he can close it! Knowing that I was felling frustrated, I took a deep slow breath and calmly approached my son. I stopped him from pushing his clothes and shutting the door. Instead of yelling, I calmly and firmly stated that “I will clean the laundry, but I will not pick up the clothes from the floor.” I then asked, “What can we do to make this work for the both of us?” By modeling self-control and not yelling, I was able to set limits and communicate respect. Other than an occasional reminder, my son makes his daily visit to the hamper. I acknowledge his efforts and we are both happy.
When we are busy and overwhelmed our tolerance level lowers. We are much quicker to react in a way that gives us a temporary, quick fix. Set your limits calmly and with respect and you will be well on your way to Parenting with Pride.
If you would like to know more about effective communication and discipline, Lisa Navarra offers Parenting Groups and presentations focused on empowering the parent. With over 16 years of experience Lisa is the Founder/Director of Child Behavior Consulting, LLC. For more insider tips and information, log onto www.childbehaviorconsulting.com or contact Lisa at info@ChildBehaviorConsulting.com.